Gimli Gets the Girl
by Newmoon
Summary: Finally, a (PARODY) of a Mary-sue where the MS lusts over Gimli. And Gimli finds out that fangirls are not all they're cracked up to be. One shot. R+R!!


A/N Do you even notice that in Mary-sues, Gimli always hates her and is the only one who sees her for what she truly is? And all because she never pays attention to the lowly, ugly dwarf? Well, Gimli happens to be one of my favorite characters. This is a parody Mary-sue where Gimli gets the girl and finds out that having a fangirl is not all it's cracked up to be. One shot.  
  
Note: This is a PARODY. I hate Mary-sues with a PASSION, this fic is not supposed to take itself seriously, everyone is out of character, because it is a PARODY!!   
  
Disclaimer: I dun own it. 'Nuff said.  
  
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Gimli Gets the Girl  
  
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The Fellowship sat around a camp fire on a dark, chilly night in the middle of Hollin. They were a sad-looking lot. Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas looked miserable, and the hobbits just looked scared. Gimli looked a bit sad; wistful, almost, and Gandalf looked tired. They had been travelling for several weeks, and all were longing for the quest to be over, though some would never admit the weakness.  
  
Aragorn rubbed his temples. "If one more maiden falls from the sky and claims her undying love to me..." he muttered wretchedly. "If Arwen found out, I would be a dead man!"  
  
Pippin patted Aragorn's arm in the gentle, comforting manner that the young hobbit was quite capable of.   
  
"You think you have it bad?" Legolas asked wearily. "They come for me more often."  
  
"Why must they always leap at me like that?" Boromir moaned. "It is as though they are posessed by some madness, some demon!"  
  
"At this rate, we'll never get to Mordor!" Gimli complained. "These mysterious maidens are disrupting our quest, slowing us down!"  
  
"I don't know what you are complaining about, friend," Legolas said. "None of them have bothered you!"  
  
"There was that one that called him an ugly- OOF!" Merry was forced break off when Pippin elbowed him in the stomach. Gimli glared.   
  
He'd never admit it, but he was jealous. He was the short, ugly one. No beautiful maidens loved HIM, oh no, he was too short and ugly. It just wasn't fair! He wanted his own fangirl!  
  
"Ugly midget indeed," Gimli muttered. It was a relief when the maidens mysteriously disappeared, as every one of them had. Probably wandered off during the night trying to do something brave... It was pathetic!  
  
"We should sleep, my friends," Gandalf said, speaking for the first time this fic. "The road ahead of us is long, and we are all weary. Gimli, you take first watch."  
  
Gimli nodded, and perched on a rock just inside the ring of firelight. Behind him, the rest of the Fellowship took out their blankets and bedded down for the night. As the fire began to sink, Gimli felt a chill enter his bones, and he fetched his blanket, wrapping it tightly around his shoulders. It was going to be a long night...  
  
*****  
  
Fiona sighed wistfully and gazed into the distance. Life sucked. She had been raised in an orphanage after her parents and baby brother were tragically killed in a tragic accident when Fiona was six years old. Tragically, she was the only survivor of this tragedy.  
  
And so, with no other living relatives (which, when you think about it, is quite tragic) Fiona was sent to Sunny Meadows Orphanage. From the name of the Home, it sounds like a delightful romp in the park, filled with rosy-cheeked, sparkly-eyed children, and and overweight, cheerful, caretaker. Tragically, this was not so.  
  
The caretaker, Mistress Samson, was a tall, thin woman, who seemed to have a case of Miss Hannigan Syndrome. She was cruel, and sharp, and hated nothing more than little girls, Fiona especially. Fiona sisn't know why everyone hated her so much. After all, she was smart, pretty, friendly, funny, and had a tragic past. In fact, she possessed all the qualities found in most Mary-sues; what wasn't there to like about her?  
  
'It must be my height,' thought Fiona bitterly, for the girl had a certain... vertical disability. She was only about 4' 5", hardly a joyful height for a sixteen-year old.   
  
'If only I lived in Middle-earth, the land where my favorite books, The Lord of the Rings, take place,' Fiona wished. 'That land, populated by many creatures such as Elves, dwarves, and hobbits, would be the ideal home for a poor, hapless girl like me!... And that Gimli is one sexy-'  
  
"Fiona! Get in here now!" a loud voice called behind her, disrupting her fantasies. Fiona sighed again and moved away from the tree she had been standing under, her head of flaming red hair drooping sadly. Life REALLY sucked.  
  
But as she walked back to the the main building of the Orphanage (and Mistress Samson) something happened. Fiona stumbled and fell, but she did not hit the ground like she expected to. She kept falling, though darkness and fear. Fiona screamed.  
  
*****  
  
Gimli looked up, and muttered some curses in Dwarvish. Not another one. Not another one to fawn over Aragorn, or Boromir, or Legolas, and completely ignore him. Not another one to think of him as an ugly midget not worth a second glance. The screaming in the sky above him was getting closer, as if something was falling towards him. Why did HE have to be the only one awake at this time?  
  
Well, at least there was a solution to the last problem.  
  
"ARAGORN!!" Gimli bellowed. "THERE'S ANOTHER ONE!!!!!" The entire fellowship was soon awake, scanning the skies. They could all see the shape falling towards them, coming closer, and closer...  
  
"Someone catch her!" Boromir cried. "She'll die if she just drops! Legolas!"  
  
"You want ME to CATCH her?" Legolas asked incredulously. "No!" He folded his arms in front of his chest.  
  
"Gimli!" cried Aragorn. Gimli looked up. The girl was falling right above him. If he didn't move she'd fall on top of him. Well, the only thing to do was...  
  
WHUMP! With a sickening thud, the girl fell right on top of Gimli, cushioning her fall. When the dust settled, the Fellowship saw Gimli lying flat on his back, with a small, red-haired girl on top of him.  
  
"Get. This. Thing. Off. Me," Gimli growled through clenched teeth. Gandalf came forward, his hand extended.  
  
"Here, my Lady," he said courteously. "Let me help you." The girl ignored him; she was staring at what she had landed on.  
  
"Oh... my... God..." she said slowly. "I'm in Middle-earth..."  
  
"Yes you are," Gandalf said kindly, patiently. He was used to this. "Now let me help you off my friend."  
  
The girl still paid no attention to him. The pained, tragic look in her eyes was replaced with one of lust and glee.   
  
"OMG OMG OMG!!!" the girl screamed. "I'M IN MIDDLE-EARTH!! AND GIMLI'S HERE!!!" she flung her arms around Gimli's neck, which made for a very interesting sight, as Gimli still lay flat on the ground. The rest of the Fellowship watched, open-mouthed.  
  
"A little help would be nice!" gasped Gimli, trying to pry the girl off him. "Gandalf.. please... Eurck!!" The girl's grip tightened.  
  
"I can't believe it!" Fiona shrieked. "It's really you Gimli! It's really you!"  
  
Aragorn and Boromir seemed to regain their senses, and they attempted to pull Fiona off of the dwarf. She just held on tighter; she appeared to be strangling her loved one.  
  
"Gimli, I love yooou!" she crooned.  
  
"Hrk!" Gimli replied, his face turning blue.  
  
"My Lady, please," Aragorn said. "Let go of the dwarf; you are hurting him!"  
  
"But I wuve him..." she said pitifully, looking at Aragorn with puppy-dog eyes. Thank Eru he had built up an immunity to them.  
  
But this momentary distraction was just was Gimli needed. The girl's attention elsewhere, Gimli was able to wriggle free of her grasp and leap to safety. But Fiona was soon to follow.  
  
"Gimli, come back!" she cried. "I love you! I wanna have your kids! YOU ARE A SEXY BEAST!"  
  
Gimli had to stifle the scream that threatened to spew out of his mouth. The hobbits were no help. Once they had gotten over the initial shock of a girl lusting over Gimli, they had found the idea quite funny, and were laughing hysterically.  
  
Gandalf, Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas, meanwhile, were trying to get between Fiona and Gimli and corner her.  
  
"Stay with me, Gimli!" Fiona called to him. "We can be happy together! We're meant for each other; I know it! MARRY ME!!!"  
  
Gimli didn't trust himself to speak. Even if he had tried, what probably would have come out would be something along the lines of, "Meep!" Rather like the sound of a mouse being trodden on.  
  
Finally, the dwarf gathered up his courage and stalked over to Fiona. She looked delighted. Gimli glared at her.  
  
"Yay!" Fiona said. "I knew you'd come to me eventually, Gimli! Now we can-" Gimli slapped her smartly across the face and shook her roughly.  
  
"The relationship wouldn't work out," he growled. "I simply cannot love you." Hey, it never worked for any of the other lust objects, but maybe this girl would be different?  
  
It didn't work. Fiona's eyes filed with tears, and she began to sob. "But I love you!!" she wailed. "And I am a poor, orphaned maiden lost in a world that is not my own!!" She flung her arms around Gimli's waist and sobbed into his stomach.  
  
"I take it back!" Gimli shouted to the night sky. "I don't want a fangirl! They're horrible!"   
  
The Powers That Be seemed to be in an indulgent mood that night, because when Gimli finished speaking, the girl disappeared. Gimli sagged, exhausted.  
  
"Well, Gimli," Aragorn said, a touch of smugness on his voice. "Do you see now what we mean? Fangirls are not fun.  
  
"I agree, my friend," Gimli said. "I agree.  
  
THE END  
  
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A/N So what do ya think? Tell me in a review!! 


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